I broke down today…I couldn’t hold it in anymore….I was in the bathroom at work, crying snotting and throwing up all at the same time. Wayne and I had previously discussed which one of us was going to come off our job once Christian was born (yes we have decided on a name☺) Well today, he said he doesn’t know if he can come off his job, that it might not be the best thing for our family right now and that we will need all the income. He said we need to discuss all of our options…I honestly do not see what other options are out there???? I don’t see how I would be able to trust anyone with caring for Christian if it’s not Wayne myself or a nurse? How? Who? I told him if he didn’t come off his job then I would have to? Those are the only two options I see….unless I find a job working 3rd shift….he can’t work 2nd or 3rd this time because he is a full time Pastor now…and that just wouldn’t work. Lord I am trying to trust, I really feel like I have no other choice, man is this hard not knowing the answers… Sunday night Wayne preached at True Vine here in the city…they asked me to say a few words at the close of service…my words…I thank God that He has already been where I am going and He will be there when I get there and I take comfort in that. I do, I honestly do take comfort, but I am human and it all just exploded out of me today. One of my co-workers was sharing how she was now a great aunt for the first time and that her niece had a healthy 10 lb. baby….I am very happy for her and her family…but my heart was crushed….crushed with the reality that I will hardly get to lay eyes on Christian because he will be whisked out the room and rushed to NICU, and then once stable taken immediately to Nationwide Children’s Hospital…he will have surgery a day or two later and then be in the hospital at the minimum a month…When will I hold him? Will I get to nurse him? When will I get to see him? Will the release me that day from the hospital so that I can go straight to Children’s? What is going to happen to my family? How will our world change? How will I keep a somewhat normal life for the boys? How am I going to balance all of this? How will I keep a job? How will we put food on the table? Keep the gas, lights on? How Lord Jesus…all these unanswered questions…BUT God has already been where I am going…He knows our end from our beginning…He has already provided a way out…I just have to trust and follow his direction… For thou art my rock and my fortress, therefore for thy name’s sake lead me and guide me.- Psalms 31:3
I am ready to let the church know…but Wayne is not, I want the saints to pray…I feel like I am hiding something and I just want the burden to be lifted, I want the prayer warriors to pray.